In Search of the Island for Misfit Toys

 

My ex (when we were married) and I used to love the old seasonal tv special

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys" 

 

yet we'd acknowledge that there were some hidden messages this show was trying to teach audiences, the obvious being

• First Rudolph is born different
• Second there is an elf that, doesn't want to be a toy maker, but (quoting my fingers here in the air) wants to be a "Dentist".
• And then there is this place called "the Island of Misfit Toys"

 

All of these crafted analogies clearly was the networks way of addressing being "different" and their message to the viewers; "It is OK to be different, in fact its a super power and we should not fear it"

 

So how does this relate to my journey and maybe yours.

 

Before my ex asked for a divorce we would watch and laugh because it just showed some of the history of how uncomfortable and uptight America is with sexual orientation, not to be confused with gender identity (TWO DIFFERENT THINGS PEOPLE). my Ex also confused the two or possibly conflated the two. It wasn't till post divorce that I think she started realizing they are not the same. 

 

When the epiphany happened and I realized I am transgender it changed everything. Because the man my ex thought she knew was more than that. I was transgender, a truth that was confusing, difficult to accept and easy to miss understand. At first the hurt, her hurt, was because in her eyes I was gay and she is CIS and I told her I was CIS or really to be real...she assumed it based on my dating her and marrying her.  So I had betrayed her. I was a deceiver in her eyes at that moment, a spider in her words. But the truth was.. I didn't know what transgender was...I just knew something wasn't right with me and didn't like the face that looked back at me in the mirror. the pieces of me didn't fit my body, and I had just assumed that's how it is. I learned that this is a medical thing called Gender Dysphoria. growing up and into adulthood I had no idea. Therapist I would talk to didn't know either, assuming anxiety and depression and not treating the real issue. 

 

So...when she said "You must be gay" that hurt....yet in a sense I am gay. If I'm a woman AND I am attracted to my wife (a woman), then ya.. I'm gay. Gay as in I'm a lesbian. The problem with that and an honest and fair response was my Ex wife's response was "I'm not a lesbian".  game, set, and match. And to be real and fair I get it, shes not. And to keep it real, I'm Bi.

 

But at first, she didn't see me as lesbian, she could only see the male CIS MALE MAN that she married, so I was a Man and so I must be Gay. That was her visual truth. Her brain and what she saw and what she was hearing didn't jive/compute so... of course I must be a Gay man. And I was a deceiver and a liar to boot. Ya I get her point of view. No easy solution here. 

 

This is difficult for a lot of reasons... the main was that I had struggled my whole life with something not being right, not fitting. I was raised that a boy, meets a girl and they date, marry and have kids. I had no understanding of options, or possibilities. or that Nature was varied beyond binary (male, female) identity.  

 

Yet here I was with this truth, and this truth that my wife, partner and lover now faced. The truth that  my Identity had been discovered and is really Woman/Female. And that my orientation is Bi-sexual. I have nothing to hide there. Its the truth, I am almost 100% attracted to women and to be honest there are a few men though that catch my eye.  

 

Fast forward, we are divorced, friends, my EX is now working... and works with a lot of LGBT people and now has experience with transgender customers and employees and seeing me.... the real me, in makeup, dressed and being feminine she now acknowledges me. She sees me. 

 

She cares about me but I'm not her man, and I get it and support her in her need to be with  a 'CIS Guy'. We can even joke about the "Your Gay" comment she made to me. I recently sent her the following picture because it makes me laugh and pokes at her initial miss understanding of me ;). And to be real I have a pretty good sense of humor, of found this great, I love it, and I love Taylor too. so extra funny to me

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So....why the shares? why the long path to here?

 

I'm Divorced, I am transitioning, I am mostly alone except for my FANTASTIC Niece who is a super cool adult woman who supports me, my boys who accept me, my ex wife who sees me and understands me now. And.....I am now seeking the  "Island for misfit toys". 

So where did I find it? .....I didn't...well not one anyway. I found a few islands, some great, some not so great or with challenges, and I'm still seeking more.

 

I have a paid online community that I have joined that I love so that is an island for me. 

 

I am on Reddit occasionally, and the many communities can be great but I like to limit my time on here. If to much is consumed it can become toxic. At least to me. 

 

I have tried a well known transgender Bulletin Board, but left after a post which was thoughtfully written and anti-president was removed by said community moderators. I felt betrayed by this community in that instant. How could they remove a post that was thoughtful, fact driven and honest discussing the actions of a leader who would have us(LGBTQ+) eradicated. I don't get it. but I was done with them, right then and there. 

 

Locally I have been reaching out locally... but groups are far and wide.. travel times on a Friday into the city.. is rough for me. meetups difficult.

 

I have tried online gaming, FFXIV is a GREAT place to find community. Great game too.

 

There are PRIDE month events, I plan to participate next year. but they are held once a year.

 

So..currently and mostly, I'm alone.  I have my sons and my ex wife who are all supportive, yet...I am learning to be alone and to be comfortable with the presence of just me. And I am actively seeking community. I have leads, I'm starting to make friends on Reddit, and in the transgender community, its a work in progress. There is hope :). 

 

Yet to be real I wish my Wife would have accepted me. There is a saying from the poet Robert Frost and it goes like this: "We love the things for what they are, not for what they ought to be." Its a bitter truth that to be real cuts both ways. I loved my ex. I still do in a sense. Yet the right thing to do in our case was to set her free and by doing so myself free. 

 

If you have ways of finding community and age appropriate friends, or want to be a friend, reach out to me, leave a comment, or email me, I'd like to hear for you.