Sparkly Purple Bicycle.. and pieces never fitting

 I grew up in a place that was a melting pot of two ideologies, one side highly liberal, because of the university near by and the other side highly conservative, and driven by the main working industry, Timber. The side of town I lived in was round 50k people, and main street consisted of bars, pool halls, and strip clubs and full of bullies, was a tougher town, w a drug culture and lots of drinking. Growing up there was no such thing as "Transgender", I had never heard of "Trans..anything, and Gay and Lesbian wasn't even a word... though thinking back there were rumors. And my personal experiences...

I was awkward growing up... with 3 siblings, a mother who was a good loving mom yet a quiet working and functional alcoholic because of trauma in her childhood. My dad, a loving father, protective, and a good man who had done much in his life. With pictures of him in life magazine as well as pictures of him in an encyclopedia as part of an organization his adoptive father belonged to. He and my mother had done and seen a lot. And we moved around a lot finally settling in this town and my dad got a job at the local University as a staff electrician. 

At the end of my first year of elementary school there was going to be bike riding event to a park and we all had to have a bicycle. I told my dad and he found a cheap old Schwinn bike, one gear/speed, big tires, that sort of thing. we put big handle bars on it, a banana seat, tassels cause I wanted em and my dad let me pick out the paint. I wanted "Sparkly (Glitter filled) Purple paint".  He was fine with it...but wasn't...fine.. he just let me be me... my dad was cool but tough, liked guns, booze, and guy stuff mostly but also I think carried his own demons of a sort.  So we spray painted the frame and forks and made this amazing sparkly bicycle that I then proceeded to love and ride, looking like Kermit the frog on a bike to big for me, long skinny legs pedaling, but delighted to ride it, it made me feel good.

I'm sharing this because people ask "When did you know?" Most transgender people are either in one of two camps... they ALWAYS knew.. or they didn't. I was in the later camp. I knew I was not right but didn't know what the F was wrong.. ever try to fit a square peg in a round hole? ya my life was like that... the pieces just didn't fit. 

 I didn't know what transgender, or trans-sexual was. I knew I wasn't gay, cause I found females attractive, yet I wanted to be attractive too. I knew I didn't fit with boys... but I had male parts and so was technically classified male. Yet.... I knew I was different male didn't fit, drawn to female things, female friends, wanting long female hair... I knew that I beat to my own drum and was off in some way. 

I share the "Kermit the frog, riding a "Girly... long banana seat, purple sparkly bicycle" because looking back, its an outstanding example of just being naturally different.

And its ok, its wonderful, I don't beat myself up over it, rather looking back, that, and many many other examples, the tapestry of my life is woven with clues, bread crumbs, and were/are a part of what it took to get to the "Aha" moment. 

AND....that moment of epiphany, clarity, understanding, awakening, happened for me years ago as an adult..when I read about "Transgenderism." I was reading about the creators of the matrix of all things because I am a big sci-fi fan. Being Transgender, it explained my life of pieces not fitting, events, moments, train wrecked relationships, shaving my legs and wearing girls clothing but not knowing why it made me feel better, self hatred at the betrayal of my body deciding to shed (going bald), losing my long hair and helpless at the time to do anything to stop it, sabotage, oddities, why I always felt wrong inside....And when that moment happened I couldn't un-know it. it was like a sun being born, the idea exploding into light and burning fiercely. You cannot un-know a truth and for me this is the truth. I am transgender. I can't un-know it and I don't want to.