Transgender Liberty

  So this is a special post...  I tried a dating app... and my experience was bad, except for the one exception of someone I really connected with. Yet Bad regarding the app.....Oh for so many reasons which I will go over after my share... yet first I have something important I want to say and its also a shout out to a person I met who in a sense gave me hope.  I met someone in Seattle through a dating app (ya I gave one a try) Their name Meghan. She has her PHD degree, lives a few hours from me, exceptional human being. We are practically the same age, same interests, educated, see eye to eye on politics, religion, same career backgrounds. A lot of the same likes, hobbies, interests. We just have a lot in common. They had one picture that I got to see of them and I found them attractive. Thinking...'ok... so this is going well.' We interacted for days, mornings and evenings...  in chat, going back and forth asking questions and giving answers and all that early dati...

    1440.......  What is it?  Is it, a police code? a military time of day? a clever l337 hacker number? a drug culture reference?, something the ancient aliens left behind?, or something else entirely? A friend of mine who passed away and whom I think of often, used to say.. '<my dead name>...  There are only so many minutes in a day... 1440 of them and we should use them wisely!"  I loved that.  My friend and father in law to my then wife, was smart, kind, warm, and accepting, and honestly a good F#cking friend.  One time.. .and I wasn't out yet,  they said to me "I saw this person getting out of their car.... they are clearly transgender and strugglig' and he paused as if to see what my reaction would be to that and then he continued, 'and I know their life must not be easy and how difficult some of their challenges must be. Can you image what they must be going through?" and I agreed with him, he was pretty intuitive and had good in...

 Movie Spoilers for 'Blade Runner', if you haven't seen this movie. Stop, go watch it now! :)  =============== One of my favorite movies of all time "Blade Runner" has an incredibly deep scene where in the final moment, we see the pain and humanity and anguish in someone (a replicant played by Rutger Hauer) who has been deemed less than human, demonized, diminished, and reduced to a thing. when in all reality they are living brighter and more human than human.  IMO, one of Rutger Hauer and Harrison Fords best scenes ever!    I think about that scene often, what it means to be human, to be treated as "less than Human", to know and be a conscious observer of the universe and a flicker of flame in a moment in time, to then be lost in the currents of time and to know your time is up.  I am deeply moved every-time I watch and observe this moment. Not only for my empathy towards this character in his final moments but also for the loss...and fleetingnes...

  My ex (when we were married) and I used to love the old seasonal tv special " Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys "    yet we'd acknowledge that there were some hidden messages this show was trying to teach audiences, the obvious being First Rudolph is born different Second there is an elf that, doesn't want to be a toy maker, but ( quoting my fingers here in the air ) wants to be a "Dentist". And then there is this place called "the Island of Misfit Toys"   All of these crafted analogies clearly was the networks way of addressing being "different" and their message to the viewers; " It is OK to be different, in fact its a super power and we should not fear it"   So how does this relate to my journey and maybe yours.   Before my ex asked for a divorce we would watch and laugh because it just showed some of the history of how uncomfortable and uptight America is with sexual orientation, not to be confus...

Trigger warning..  I almost quit my transition(this would be the 3rd time).  My wanting to quit has been coupled with my divorce grieving. I went through a divorce this year and I miss my ex. I admit it. Its been rough without her. We are friends but I can't stand to listen to her talk about the man (the human person) that replaced me. And I want nothing to do with him at this time because I'm not ready to see my replacement.  I'm angry, hurt and feel abandoned.  And to be real my marriage was rocky, I did a lot outside of being transgender that was not fair to my partner, so ya I take responsibility for ALL of that. And...we had great times but there is much that wasn't so great. Robert Frost says "we love the things for what they are, not for what they ought to be" Our marriage failed that test. I wasn't accepted and was expected to be a CIS male only. Once that was not a truth, my marriage was over. I wish it had been different but that's a reality....