Never Accept a Cat and Identities

Trigger warning..

 I almost quit my transition(this would be the 3rd time). 

My wanting to quit has been coupled with my divorce grieving. I went through a divorce this year and I miss my ex. I admit it. Its been rough without her. We are friends but I can't stand to listen to her talk about the man (the human person) that replaced me. And I want nothing to do with him at this time because I'm not ready to see my replacement.  I'm angry, hurt and feel abandoned.  And to be real my marriage was rocky, I did a lot outside of being transgender that was not fair to my partner, so ya I take responsibility for ALL of that. And...we had great times but there is much that wasn't so great. Robert Frost says "we love the things for what they are, not for what they ought to be" Our marriage failed that test. I wasn't accepted and was expected to be a CIS male only. Once that was not a truth, my marriage was over. I wish it had been different but that's a reality. 

Additionally I'm struggling with transition. 

 I had been transitioning for 8 months, HRT, talking to doctors, talking with cosmetic surgeons, dressing and buying new clothing, makeup lessons, electrolysis,  the whole thing. seeking community groups, new friends, flags in the yard. presenting in public an identity I thought would make me happy.

 Through all of this effort I discovered a few things about the world, and about myself.

Transition is tough... tougher than anything I have ever done and I've done a lot in my life. And REAL support and help is tough to find. There are great allies and organizations out there, but there are a lot of weeds and bad rabbit holes too. 

Speaking of rabbit holes, never accept a cat is a story I came across that has some wisdom to it. There are many youtube videos that cover the tale, but summing it the idea is that you can bring a thought into your head that can lead you astray or down a path you probably shouldn't go down in the first place, so before you accept that thought and let it direct you, make sure the thought is a truth and not an illusion of a truth.

And I get it...its good to question your truths. is what I know, what I'm thinking True? Honest, Not Confirmation Biased? I took a hard look at my truth about my identity, and it definately was NOT accepting a cat, rather it was that there was no cat because my gender dysphoria had always been with me. It didn't wander into my life... it was my life.  So I settled that. 

With that said I want to spend the rest of this blog post touching on a few challenges with transition, in this (Trump era) political climate of fascism, hate, and intolerance and why I almost stopped again.  

First the medical industry is overwhelmed. Wait lists of YEARS to see a surgeon/consult about transgender needs and Gender affirming care. and this care has gatekeeping in many forms I will list two I experienced

Having to obtain "letters" of approval for cosmetic procedures that follow WPATH guidelines from a certified professional that I'm "of right mind". IS SO FRUSTRATING and here is why. My Ex got 3 boob jobs over the years, a face life, and a neck lift. Never ONCE needed a letter of approval, yet if I want same... I have to get letters. I get this but its too black and white. I'm not 15 years old. I'm accomplished, I'm older, I have degrees, a career, I own a house I pay taxes every year, I have raised a family, served in the military honorably, I have retirement funds and planning. I have no criminal history. I volunteer, I am a good citizen, yet... I needed 2 letters to get any cosmetic procedure. *SIGH*. 

I recently went through a lot of hoops to talk with a gender affirming counselor to find them WILDLY and I mean WILDLY unskilled, unprepared and incompetent. The meeting started like this. The GAC Therapist says "I don't know why you were assigned to me, I just started last week and just completed some GAC training". WOW... just wow... mind blown. So I sit down and we talk.. .and they go on to say "I can't sign off on WPATH letters because I lost a child". OK... my mind is doubly blown. FIRST my evaluation, my therpay has nothing to do with that persons life experiences. my WPATH letter is about WHETHER THEY THINK I AM OF RIGHT MIND TO KNOW WHAT I AM DOING". I nicely explained that to them. At the end of the session they said "for next time I want you to think about how precious life is and we can talk about that next time". As you can imagine... I was done with this therapist. And I reported what had happened. 

Second, gatekeeping from communities(social posting sites) themselves, people who supposedly support but honestly don't or don't help, or give bad advice or give "you should quit" advice like "You are to old, why would you transition?" or have private discords by "invite only" crazy... I joined one archaic bulletin board for trans*(star/all) people to find it full of gatekeepers, old guards, when I posted about how our current president is attacking our community my post was removed. I couldn't believe it. I was done with that community, right then and there. 

So.. with friends like these who needs enemies...right? ......Being transgender is hard. 

Next....the world as much as I want it to be a kind, accepting and warm place, has a lot of haters in it :) and I think most of it comes from FEAR and ignorance. And the fear and ignorance is leveraged by religion and politicians to control common people. Its easy to control people if you have a common target identified. 

As a trans woman I also found going for walks, I try to be the change in the world, friendly, smiling and walking in a park I would meet/pass by women who would smirk, or not smile back. Other times, I found some men/women very kind others not so much. kindness being a couple offering to take my picture as I attempted a selfie. Other times, men at a store counter saying things like "Have a great day *SIR*" gender miss identifying on purpose. I get it, I didn't/don't pass 100% but dam, clearly I was attempting my gender identity and clearly THEY were threatened my my visual presentation. It happens.

People are fearful, messy beings..

Family, brothers and sisters can be the worse :). I won't deep dive into this. Yet everyone thinks they have a say on your life. They don't. 

TERFS... ya they are out there. women who are so fearful that a trans woman may take from their opportunities, or pool of resources. fear... fear..and more fear. The book Author, J.K. R. is IMO at the moment through her actions and behaviors, is a terrible person who actively uses FEAR tactics to discriminate and create chaos and sow fear. Which is so ironic....because she writes about love and hope and conquering evil and treating others with dignity and kindness. Yet she herself doesn't. She is by her actions a terrible person. I'll never buy or support her livelihood or any organization that profits from her. Universal Studios... I'm looking right at you. 

So what do I do? do I stop transition to fit in? blend in? One choice to find balance would be to be non-binary, gender fluid, and NOT be on HRT, to NOT seek or get surgeries. To seek a way to be feminine, and male ..both and to just be me with out so much focus and effort to transition, which is exhausting. Yet this is incomplete too. By trying to find balance I'm out of balance. 

I also discovered that identities and roles in life shift, change, evolve, some identities come into our life, other identities change or leave. I may not be a father one day and the next day my identities (plural) includes Father. My identity has evolved and shifted, I am becoming and have become female. I am female I am a woman and though I look male, my identity, the identity I have suppressed and hide, and pushed down and denied is FE-male. I can't and won't ignore it anymore. I won't hide it and I won't be ashamed of it. It is who I am.. and I am not the problem here. others are, those that would lie, spread fear and attack me are the problem.

I also have learned that all my life experiences are just experiences. They don't have to define or own my future identity and I can and do have many identities. my identity is becoming what I need to become. I am female, or I must stop existing. 

One thing about Virgos and Cats and Identities. I have learned that I am a personality that will push and push till something breaks. Mentally physically. I will force something to work, even if it can't (square peg into a round hole). yet I believe anything is possible if you put your mind to it, and indeed that's mostly true. And I acknowledge Cats are a real danger. ok.....I love REAL cats, and....I don't so much like metaphorical cats that lead me astray. Stopping transition to be healthier was and IS a cat I need to avoid. Its the easy path. Like Yoda said about the dark side of the force "easier...quicker" but not the right path. The cat in this case would be me putting my head in the sand and pretending to not know something that I know, in this case I MUST accept the cat,  I am the cat.. and the cat(Gender Dysphoria and my transgender nature) has always been there. The cat....the truth is. I AM transgender and I am meant to be feminine, beautiful and loved as a woman cause I am a woman.