Getting to Safe....

 Getting to Safe. 

How do you get to safe? How do I get to Safe?  What does that even mean? 

For me getting to Safe is about getting to a place where I know everything is fine and the future is secure economically and more importantly knowing that I can live my life freely without being a burden to others. It also means transitioning in a way where I feel comfortable and safe in my person. Getting to safe is not easy, there are many challenges, passing, funds, safety, health. And getting to safe is made tougher to accomplish by my age,  a recent divorce that shattered my retirement funds,  the fact that I started transition later in life. Getting to safe is also made difficult by the manipulation of people through fear mongering;  The hate groups, transphobic groups such as those J.K. Rowlings is a part of and or associates with secretly and publicly, the political groups (Trump and the extreme anti constitutional people in his camp), religious zealots that use religion to drive agendas of what is allowed and what isn't, TERF (trans-exclusionary radical feminist, the ignorant and fearful, and finally, irresponsible Hollywood/streaming services content and broadcast studio monopolization (from 50 down to 5),  I'll cover more deeply my last two points in my next blog as its just to much to cover here. 

 So...getting to Safe is all about living my life financially responsibly, transitioning safely, finding a place to live that is safe (honors my human and constitutional rights), and affording the cost of transition, all of this without burden to others.

How do I afford the surgical procedures?, the clothing?, the makeup?, the lifestyle of being a transgender woman?

The surgical procedures to make me whole, to feel right, will cost me 60-100k in total. I am hoping my insurance from work can help cover this, maybe reducing out of pocket by 40% or greater. So its important I maintain my job and I do it well. 

The challenge is, like many transgender people,  I'm not "out" at work, and I am VERY concerned that when I come out at work, that there will be some unknown person that is in a position of power that decides they no longer need my presence, because they dislike my transgender nature, in other words they are transphobic and have power over me. I have no illusions here, transphobia is real. So... I'm trying to delay coming out at work till I know for sure I can survive even if I loose my job. Its a practical safety precaution. Additionally my peers at work, may cause trouble, they may be transphobic, some I suspect are based on random comments, words, actions, and micro aggression about politics and transgender people.  

So getting to Safe is knowing my employment is secure as a transgender woman. 

And...for my mental health, my peace of mind, I MUST come out at work at some point. To be whole I have to be one. 

So...how do I live full time as a woman with out impact to my job or my relationships with those I work with? 

The answer is there will be impact. It is unavoidable.

 There will be those that don't believe it, think I'm crazy, and don't support me. There will be those that are uncomfortable around me, Yet the bottom line here is if coming out is done properly at work, in theory it should all work out. Should not impact my employment status.  

Here is my strategy and I'm sharing it here so others might also use a similar pattern. First document any comments, microaggressions leading up to transition. You know the kind, "I don't like Trump but I think hes good for the country", or "I don't get transgender people they must be mentally ill." The reason to document is so that if after you come out things get worse you have a history of proof of how its been. Its a worse case, cover your ass move but in my opinion one worth doing. that is my plan B/C evidence if things go badly at work. 

So my plan.  My coming out at work plan is to start by talking to the LGBT group at my work, get their advice and support. Then talk to HR about this matter and get their advice, support and awareness.  Then talk to my manager, and then talk to those I work with day to day and share with them my story and whats happening and they don't have a choice in this so don't give them one, just tell them what you are doing. Finally....  document all of this. Days, Times, who was there, what was said. Actions, and who has the action if any.

The last step, coming out to my peers, that is where the trouble might be. Some peers I suspect are transphobic based on comments and behavior.  They may want me to be moved or fired, or honestly they may rage quit (or threaten to quit), or just sabotage and not work with me anymore. 

So I have considerations. 

First , if they do react badly, this is their decision to behave badly, and not my problem. If they want to act like a big baby, throw a fit and leave, that is their problem.

Second they may not leave but stop collaborating and working with me. I may need to move to a different group or they may need to move. Be ready to talk to HR about this :). 

Third,  if things go sideways and the company asks me to leave, then we probably have a lawsuit. Not that I want that but if I'm discriminated against suddenly based on my gender identity, that is telling. This is why you document EVERYTHING leading up to coming out, during coming out, and after. 

and a final consideration is to plan to just leave and not come out. What I mean by that is don't come out, but retire, or look for a new job AS my real self (nothing hidden). For the retirement route, this would require I stay in stealth for 2-4 years at my current job. Not sure that is possible because I'm going through changes. AND quite frankly I don't and shouldn't have to hide. Its silly. Yet I am weighing this... can I survive at work in stealth till I retire? or do I look for another job? I'd rather not. I like where I work, and I like the people I work with.

 OK enough about work and surgeries.

What else to get to safe?

Retirement is looming and I'm getting older...

This is a double issue, as you get older, surgeries are harder to recover from. While working I have insurance and it will cover the surgeries.  

For health reasons, the risk is lower the sooner I get the surgeries. This also means that I MUST get all surgeries done BEFORE retirement so I can leverage my insurance benefits. This is made extremely difficult by the MASSIVE WAIT lists to get surgeries from places that DO take my insurance. waits are 2-3 years. Because of retirement...I can't wait that long.  So my plan is multi-forked. talk to MANY providers, pick and choose and do surgeries where I can with insurance benefits if possible. This means some may be 100% out of pocket, or out of network. 

regarding living life without a financial burden on others, this requires a good retirement plan, savings, investments, being aware of what the SSA will provide in retirement, and accepting what my month to month income might be for the rest of my life. It also means selling my house and getting out from under the crushing mortgage I can't really afford. It means my financial decisions need to position myself so I'm not in debt and can live simply and comfortably the rest of my life without financial burden to others.  While also seeking very expensive medical procedures.

No pressure right? I share all of this because transgender people face all these complexities. Its' not easy being transgender (shout out to Kermit the frog, "it's not easy bein' green")

 

 I get Kermit, the world is a tough place.