Thoughts on Finding a Partner and Living an Awesome Life

I want to talk about being transgender, seeking companionship, dating opportunities and coming to peace with being alone. And it is my hope that others, regardless of transgender or not, can find some comfort, maybe confirmation, and peace by what I'm about to say.

To start I have no illusions that as a transgender woman, and an older one, that my chances of meeting and bonding with someone is slim. Made more slim by age, sexual orientation, my gender identity, and made more difficult by my lack of a strong social circle. And I have no illusion that for many transgender people this is a tough situation they find themselves in. Not to say dating isn't tough for all of us it is. It is also a telling sign that 60% of marriages end in divorce. Relationships are just @#%% hard. 

So where do we start to find someone? the obvious first thought these days is "Hey they got an app for that" mentality, so lets talk briefly about dating apps (And do read my post from Aug 29th for the deep dive on how bad they are if you are interested).

I have found that the dating apps, which are mostly ALL  owned and controlled monopoly by one company "match group" have been monetized, and data controlled, in a way that makes facilitating finding someone difficult. I asked around what others thought too about these apps, discussing this online and the consensus is that the apps mostly suck and to try to do dating the old fashion way. Go out, do things, meet people, try to organically connect. Which for me has never been easy and as a transgender woman is even tougher. 

So with the cards seemingly stacked against you, how do you find that person, your person?

What do you do? how did you wrestle with this? How did you solve it, or did you?

I have a general plan of action

1. Join Groups / Attend group gatherings
2. Find people with common interests
3. Work on me
4. Don't dwell on it
5. Accept that living alone is actually awesome :). Watch this video  "Why living alone beats any relationship"

 

Lets look at each 

First and Second : Join Groups / Attend group gatherings/ Find people with Common Interests 

What are my options? church?, for some who are religious this is a great start. For me though, I'm an Atheist, OK, I'm agnostic and I dislike organized Religion because I have observed that it is controlling and dividing and being used to control people through fear and threats and generally is excluding to some groups, all of which I don't care for.  So maybe I join a Unitarian Universalist church?  I tried it, I went to a local one and the people were warm, welcoming, and most were accepting of my transgender identity. Yet I felt out of place, my problem not theirs. I don't think Sunday churches are for me but I'm going to go a few more times to see whether I warm up to it, or its just not my cup of tea.  

Through work? Nope. No hope there. Its not a 100% no chance but this one is unlikely and workplace romances can get you fired :), so my advice is be careful with this one. 

OK next stop, "meet up" mobile app. Find some groups with common interests. This seems a better possibility. The app itself feels awkward and clunky.  But What I like about it, is that it is a platform that allows me to find groups...and to be real...create one too. So hopeful I can at least meet or find people with common interests.

Go to events in my community. This is a good option, but need to know when they are and do the planning to do it. 

Facebook as a social platform. I'm not on Facebook. I dislike Mark Z and his b@#% sh## empire. There is a scene from the matrix where they are rescuing Neo and one of the rescuers calls Neo a 'Copper top' referring to a battery, I feel Facebook is like that. They use people.  And signing up for Facebook has gotten worse, now they want to scan your face and have you blink your eyes and move your face around to prove you are a human. They say they don;t use the data.. ya RIGHT.....The whole model of FACEBOOK (FACE) is to mine your freely (and consented to) given data. Its soooo weird... So its a No for me. 

Reddit... its a community, but its so global..there are some local reddits so ya I'm using it loosely. I find being on some of the transgender reddits to be REALLY toxic for a lot or reasons. Will leave it at that. Maybe I'll post more on that in the future.   

private (pay to be apart) clubs, gyms, etc...Gyms IMO are next to impossible I think to make a connection. private for pay LGBT groups maybe...  I have had a few good conversations 1x1 with a few others. 

Work on me

Blog, workout, read, take classes, shop, sleep, practice makeup, work towards my next big moves (sell house, surgery, retirement),  eventually get a dog. Let life be organic. This IMO is the most healthy route to go. see my next phase. 

Don't dwell on it (Don't dwell on finding someone)

First, Dating apps are stacked against many of us. Especially if you are unique. So don't take the BAD experience of dating apps personally, just let that one go :). 

Being alone is not a bad thing, and being able to steer your own destiny without interference, getting permission from a partner first, being diminished from another's opinion or pressures and expectations of you is amazing

Understand that life is a journey, an adventure and it is what you make of it. Do you, be you, live authentically, don't allow toxic bad people into your life. 

Seeking to get into a relationship just so you aren't alone is the wrong reason for seeking a relationship so don't do that. 

There are billions of people on this planet, and you won't ever meet most of them. I am sure that there are many missed connections because of that. It is nobody's fault, it is just the reality of the world. 

Don't diminish your light!!!!!

Those that are meant to be apart of your life, will CHOOSE to be apart of your life.  

 

Accept that living alone is actually awesome :).  

Watch this video  "Why living alone beats any relationship"

  Understand that most people are flawed, messy and have motives for seeking relationships that are sometimes flat out not good or healthy ones. Be your own best friend, your own ally, steer and captain your boat and destiny. These are all VERY empowering things. 

Finally, is is not only OK to live alone, it is Awesome and empowering and brings peace of mind. See the video above.  So work on you, live life by your terms, become the person you want to be and do it!