Who Wants to Live Forever and Facing Loss of a relationship (marriage, couple, friendship) someone who was apart of your life.

Who wants to live forever, when relationship loss is so painful? and how do we go on living, when the loss we suffer, especially the lost of a friendship or a love and even harder a relationship that was both? It can seem unbearable!

In this blog I am going to talk generally about loss, all kinds of loss, and then I'm going to focus on recovering from Relationship Loss due to breakup, or divorce. 

To start, lets ask the question 'who wants to live forever?'

(raises hand) I do!

I would love to be immortal for maybe...selfish reasons.  

I want to see and do it all. I want to know the outcome of the story. 

Well I want to at least live to see us find alien life. That for me would be very confirming of what I think about the universe. That we are not alone, and that we are not unique. That the Universe (maybe even Universes) is a vast place with other living beings in it. Or maybe we are unique... and maybe we realize something greater about how special we all are....

But I digress. 

There is a movie "Highlander" where the main characters are immortal and they are fighting a secret war across the centuries of time till there is only one left. The final reckoning. 

In the movie there is a love story where the hero falls in love with a mortal woman and their love is deep and complete and as years pass she ages and he does not.  She eventually dies of old age, which leads to unbearable pain of loss a summit of pain and grief and he is utterly shattered by the gravity and weight of this immense loss. To add tone and emotion to the moment, the band Queen does an amazing job with elevating the emotional loss of this scene with the song 'who wants to live forever'  and for me this moment we the viewer get to witness radiates with the grief and suffering of this loss.  

I share that scene as reference because loss of an intimate connection, especially the longer the connection makes recovery that more difficult and painful and the time to recover is definitely a factor of how long the relationship was.  So...going back to the scene from the movie we can relate to this characters pain and empathize with it. 

So what about my experience with loss and how did I handle it?

I have lost loves to divorce and breakup. I have lost my career at one point of 20+ years; the company I worked for deciding to sell our business unit to an overseas contracted company for cheaper labor, I lost my dog, I lost my parents, I lost my ex wife's parents,  I have lost a child, I have even lost myself at times. 

Loss seems to be all around us, even the seasons as they change remind us of the cycle that includes loss. Sprint, Summer, Fall(loss), Winter. 

so if we look closely... loss is a part of living. Yin and Yang if you will.

So how do we go on? how do we face it? I have a few bits of advice that I have gathered to help me cope and heal and I'll share them here.

First, emotions should be acknowledged and felt. It is OK to cry, to feel sadness. These feelings are like rain clouds. They come over you, they rain.. then they move on. Treat them as such, Allow the rain, feel it, and then let the feelings pass.

Another favorite way of handling the emotions goes like this; Emotions are like a river. The river is never the same river twice. Emotions come and then they pass. Witness them, feel them and then watch them go down stream. Let the emotions float away, let them go. 

 

Loss; Breakups and Divorces  

 When it comes to a failed relationship. It could be they left you, they gave up, the relationship was toxic, you left them. There are many many reasons relationships fail and it hurts always. No way around that.  

Relationships are tough because when you loose that connection you miss them. You loose so much. If you have been with anyone for any amount of time. If you loved them.....the pain of loss can be challenging to overcome. 

So... how do we deal with relationship loss?  The breakup, the divorce? 

My first piece of advice is to STOP thinking only about the good memories. Usually relationships have good times and bad times. Relationships have positives and negatives. Remember the negatives too!  

Try not to dwell on the good times. Yes you had them... but thee are probably a lot of bad times, bad moments, things that didn't work, and to be real its probably a gift that that you have your freedom and control back to do and life as you want free of that relationship. Its OK to let someone go. 

While healing... I like to refer to small gems of wisdom and will share a few here. These have helped me cope and get through tough, Hard Moments and I hope they can help you too. 

'To not give a fuck about the pain makes you invincible' 

Ok that one is a bit hardcore. its a tough love quote but there is truth to it. 

"Not everyone deserves your time" is another. I like this one. Because its true. Be picky about who gets your time. Time is a currency and it is finite for you. Use it wisely. 

or how about "Real strength is looking at your scars and saying...'ya that happened and I'm still here'" I really like this one because its also strong in its truth. Looking at your failures, your breakups, your past and just acknowledging that life happens and you are imperfect and still standing.

In the Movie "Raiders of the lost Ark" the character Indiana Jones says "Its not the age, its the mileage" That is so true... 

I saw some interviews of older couples and the elderly husband when asked "How did you do it?" the husband says, and this is SO telling; 'Son we changed who we are at least six times in our marriage.' I really like comment because its honest. They are CORRECT, People are not static, they are living, dynamic, organic, ever changing beings. and Same with relationships! I have known people who didn't get that. It blows my mind away. I mean to be like 'How DARE you change on me' is mind blowing.

 Here is another one "Fear wearing loves clothing" Wow that is powerful stuff. What it means is sometimes people try to control you and say its because of the love they have for you, but its fear, Their fear. These people will diminish your light till there is no light left. Love does not diminish another persons life and light, real love will amplify your life and light. Again, A poet once said 'We love the things for what they are, not for what they ought to be'. 

And I will stop here with this one "The Universe doesn't create 1/2 moons or 1/2 suns. Everything is complete and whole"

Just wow! that says it all. I'll let you, the reader think about that one for a while.