People asking 'Are you sure?' planting seeds of doubt, and living in your head rent free

 This blog entry was hard to write. Its not perfect and want to acknowledge that up front.  I've decided to publish it as is and move on... 

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As an adult I have been living close to 100% full time out in public for a while now and being out in public means that there have been encounters with friends, colleagues, strangers that were awkward, or transphobic, or ignorant, or flat out aggressive.  People are not perfect and communication is not perfect and some people are just malicious in their nature. 

And In all cases; friends, colleagues, strangers there will be those occasional moments where something will be said that bothers you or sticks in your head. 

For example, I was talking to a friend bout my surgery date and she says to me "Are you sure?" which I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say that from her side the question was coming from a place of concern and caring. Yet this comment, stuck with me and in a sense stunned me because they have known I'm transgender for decades, and so....it bothered me. 

Getting off the phone, I literally had a voice in my head say "She planted a seed of doubt" and "Shes living in your head now".  Whether she meant to or not, that thought was now rattling around in my hea like that scene in the polar express where the boy says to the girl regarding what lever to pull to stop the out of control train..."Are you sure?" and then she locks up and cringes because its a lot.  

This happens all to often to transgender people so I want to take a moment to talk about it and will break down my thoughts into sections in no particular order. Just want to get them out there and I hope this helps others that maybe read this in the future who are struggling with these moments or maybe they are reading this because they want to be more sensitive to the feelings and support needs of others. 

Feelings can be delicate flowers 

There are times when like an elephant in a field of delicate flowers, some flowers are gonna get stomped. Comments from others can be like an elephant and thoughts and feelings you have are like those flowers. And everyone has thoughts and feelings so this applies to everyone.  So how do you, the receiver of such a comment handle and possibly avoid the trampling? 

The first action is to step back from the thought, know your truth, know yourself, and just let some comments go.  If needed let the person know how they hurt you. If needed let the person go from your life. Its OK to do so. 

There is a rule called the "Platinum Rule" it goes like this; "Treat others nicely, don't let others treat you badly".  Some comments are accidental or meant to just be conversation, some comments are meant to hurt, confuse, and control you. Learn to recognize which are which and apply the Platinum rule when needed. 

For those trying to be more sensitive, if you need to ask questions, make sure they are coming from a place of love, support. try prefacing the question, or maybe rephrase it. going from "Are you sure?" to "I know this is important to you and gender affirming, have you vetted your doctor?" maybe is a better more supportive and caring question to ask.  

 

 Ultimatums and shock

These are the worse. You know the kind "If you don't comply I'm going to leave you", or "How could you think that way, I need you to do X?,  or "Why did you do this to me, you ruined my life!" or "that is not what I would do.. you need to do X" 

You should never stay in a relationship that runs on ultimatums. If ultimatums are the deciding factor on whether someone stays or goes, based on your identity decisions, if the ultimatums that demand you change who you are, or diminish your light, or stop you from growing as a person. Then its time to consider the health of the relationship.

I've talked about this a few times. If someone makes demands of who you can be, that is a signal you are in a very toxic and controlling relationship. Get help, get out. 

If you are supporting a transgender person, never give ultimatums. It is ok to discuss how a decision they are making doesn't align with what you need and it is ok to split a relationship if its not what you need. Ultimatums cut both ways.   

Seeds of doubt, and living in your head rent free

There is an episode of the big bang theory where Will Wheaten, playing as himself, says to Sheldon, "I'm living rent free...right there (points to sheldons head)".  The idea that other people by accident and sometimes maliciously will plant a thought, a seed of doubt, that your mind will chew on is real. 

The trick here.. is to step back, recognize it. Is it True? is it a thought that has any merit? Is there any supporting evidence for or against? Why would they say such a thing? Are they transphobic? Careless? Ignorant? Malicious? Manipulative? 

For me I like to step back and look at the situation. Let me give a couple examples

If someone in public says something about my appearance, my womanhood that is negative about me. I've learned to immediately identify it and categorize as noise. First, they are first Transphobic, that is a fact, and their thoughts are their problem not mine. People who have problems with a culture, a skin color, a gender identity, are ultimately discriminatory, fall into an first category (racist, sexist, ageist), and likely fall into a phobic category as well, transphobic being one. Ultimately...they may be dealing with feelings they don't like because they are repressing something deeper. The take away is sometimes its another person with the problem not you, do not let them project their insecurities into your life. 

Are you sure?

Another thing people do is say something like "Are you sure?"

*sigh*....  This one sucks. because its almost as if you are running along and someone throws a stick between your legs that makes you stumble. 

This could be on purpose, could be with good intent meant. You have to step back and gauge where they are coming from.  

Sometimes this can be a moment that required extra thought. Other times this can be a moment where you literally, with 100% confidence can shut them down. with a "YES! I'm F@#% sure". 

If you know your path, if you know what you need to do, don't let an "Are you sure" live in your head. Let it go. And you don't need to defend your position to them. In fact they may wish to start a fight. Don't do it. If needed let them go and acknowledge that they have work to do, not you,  

 There is a fantastic book called "The Courage to be disliked" by by Ichiro Kishimi (Author), Fumitake Koga. The book talks about something called "life tasks" The idea is that you own your own personal life tasks and NOBODY can do them for you, AND NOBODY has input into them. PERIOD. AND as a reciprocal you do not own the life tasks of others AND you have no power or say over their life tasks. PERIOD.

When handling doubt, and comments like "Are you sure?" this tool of life tasks can help you to handle the situation, In these cases, the person asking the question are trying to influence your life task. At that moment their comment is INVALID. let it go. 

 

Final thoughts

 As I mentioned at the top of this blog. This blog entry was hard to write. 

 Its not perfect and I think I repeat myself a few times. There was so much to say here... and there are books written on this topic.  The take away here are the following rules

• If you support someone be sensitive to how you ask questions. Don't be thoughtless.
• Don't allow others to diminish your light, live your truth
• life tasks are yours and yours alone. Nobody owns you or your life tasks and no body can decide who you are or what your identity is
• Be brave, the world is a big place
• Not everyone is out to get you :), I find more people are good than bad