Life is Risk, lean into the risk

 

Its Christmas Eve, one year ago I was married (unhappily), my grown kids were visiting and we were making pizzas (yearly tradition). This year I'm alone on XMAS eve, 2 of my kids are working tonight, and the 3rd is spending tonight at his fiancees families. And my Ex is with her new boyfriend. A lot has changed in a year.

So I want to talk about that a little and how it ties into living authentically. 

First a Quote. There is a character in the 'Expanse' book series named Miller, and he is about to do something brave and possibly a one way ticket, and he is talking to another character who  says something along the lines of 'you are risking your life' and asking him to consider options, and he says "Life IS risk."

OK the stage is set... Let me share a few odds and ends and then I'll try to tie this all together.  

A week ago I had my first surgery; Thyroid Reduction Chondrolaryngoplasty, also known as Tracheal Shave Surgery, I was excited because it was the biggest Gender Affirming step I had taken AND it was the result of a lot of personal work to get the money together, to get the letters, to get the approvals, to even find a doctor, to get time off, to get it all synchronized.  In my efforts, there were multiple set backs but I went for it and got it done. The incision, I will be honest is pretty ugly 8 days out and I can't do weights of hit the gym hard for about 30 days and it takes about 1 year for the incision to really heal and flatten out which actually surprised me. I thought it would heal quicker. be easier. There is nothing easy about surgery. Weeks leading up to the day of surgery...I prepared, using a "This is Us" mental exercise of "Worst Case Scenario" mind set of "ok...well I die on the table". Which was a possibility so.. with that in mind. I made a will, I made my son the executor, I talked to my counselor about the risk, and I mentally prepared and realized that if I died I wouldn't know it and as weird as that is...it gave me peace. I looked at this from all angles, I weighed it in my head, I cried from the weight of it and the night before I sobbed on the phone when my Ex called me out of the blue, for something. I cried because of the emense pressure of it, the build of of months of work and because I was ON MY OWN, no partner, no wife, no lover there to support me. But what kept me going was the voice of Miller reminding me "Life is Risk."

ok next story 

I have also been working on selling my house (which I LOVE) because in my head I can't afford it and I want to retire in 2 years and tap out. So... I started talking to a realtor, and to be real half the time their responses to my email felt like ChatGPT responses (and probably were).  So I'm weighing all the options, asking professional realtors their opinions and of course their responses are always Sell and Buy. Why? because they make money off me. Period. I was asking the wrong people LOL.  So....I made spread sheets, I ran numbers, I looked at the economy, I weighed strategies. what ifs, risks. but my HEART wants to grow old in this house. I stated my problem in a forum and one person says to me "You already know what you want, and you deserve to be happy and you can make it work if you want it to". That stunned me... and again Miller whispers in my ear "Life is Risk..." I made decision right then and there to keep the house and make it work. risk it. 

Alright another story

I am learning that I LOVE being NOT in a relationship, having to bend a knee, or diminish my elf lord powers (nod to Tolkien). I can go out on my own, go to concerts, shows, museums, sporting events and I don't need anyone to come with me, be a wing woman (or man) or anything else. I have grown this year. I emerged from a crippled state of 20+ year relationship and like a wild fire that had burned a forest down. I'm now starting to grow wild again, life is returning. I am putting up my own Art, arranging MY house, transitioning the way I want! , being the bad ass bitch I know I am and any decision made is MINE and nobody has a say. PERIOD. Its very empowering. And....growth is also about risking. Risking your self, showing your true colors, not hiding  yourself, being Authentic, and there is miller reminding me..."Life is Risk" and those other great words from  poetry....Go boldly and Seize the Day!

Last one.

I am watching "Squid Game Season 2 and 3 (spoiler alert sort of coming) and there is a Transgender woman who because they are transgender, was removed from their military career, and since coming out has lost their family, their friends and just have had a tough time even getting a job so they can pay for the surgeries they need.. because they are transgender. Yet this woman, is kind, strong, mentally clear, engaged, and has a strong moral and ethical compass and if the @#%# ever hit the fan you'd want them on your side. And while watching this character I could relate to them..much about them mirrored my life, I also served in the military, lost friends, and delt with transphobia, and so....they quickly became one of my favorite characters and to be real I think one of the BEST transgender portrayals I've seen on any show. In the show they find themselves helping someone else and in an impossible situation, yet they do whats right, they start leading when nobody else will and they take risks to help others.. and in my head while I'm watching this show I hear that voice of Miller "Life is Risk..."

Ok lets close this blog up for the holiday coming tomorrow. 

Right now...its XMAS Eve, I have made a nice dinner for when my son gets home later tonight. I'm healing from my surgery, I have food prepared for tomorrows gathering. I'm keeping my @#% house, I'm listening to my audio books and I'm realizing... for the first time in years... I feel content. happy, and at peace.  I see next year ( 2026 ) as a year of hope, explosive growth, more surgeries, working on my career, self acceptance, loving without judging, and just being AWESOME.  And I know its not all going to go smooth, there are going to be bad moments but you know what... "Life is Risk" and I'm going to lean into the risk.