It is not upon you alone the dark patches fall

 

I read a poem once.

Struggling with loss, is like sand slipping through fingers.  I would do anything to save what I had left (or get it back)  even at the expense of loosing myself more. And...Sand and Quicksand is like that. the more you try to keep it in your hands or climb out of it the more you make it worse. But I'm not gonna talk about that, well maybe indirectly. 

And....today I'm not going to rage today about war, or thugs in masks, or the fascist rise in our government or all the stupid of the world or how social media has ruined us, or how dating apps isolate us even more and make us less free to find love. less happy.

Rather I'm going to share how I'm doing in hopes maybe someone struggling might realize they too are not alone dealing with the anxiety of the world, their past, their mistakes, their triumphs and failures. And the realities I see in everything. Some practical shares. 

The last year I followed the 'Transition' playbook. The one that you build as you fail and succeed in changing who you are to those around you that have no clue. Or would rather you stay the same old person they know.

Today I go to the SSA to get my SS card updated and though Trump and the current Republican rot doesn't allow gender update currently I'm still changing my name. And I am scared and I have nobody to share that with except my therapist. I'm finding the courage to just do it. Even when those around me, who say they support me are quietly absent. 

I also came out at work. I did it by the books. Talked to an internal work LGBT contact, got advice, talked to my therapist and then.. I asked HR to help me change my internal information, their response was cold.  They said 'oh... go open a ticket to change your internal information and you need your SS card updated before we can change your financial information.' So I opened a ticket and it sat. It sat for 2 weeks and no one in HR would approve it. Even after I raised the issue in the HR Americas distribution lists. My boss said they would help. but they didn't. Crickets.....  So.... its a game and now I go to SSA to get my card updated and next week I'll try again.  HR makes you take a "Discrimination and harassment' class yearly and I thought 'wow this company has my back, I can come out!'  Yet they don't do what they say and In hind site the class is to protect them, not help me. In the class it says "nobody can be 100% effective if they are having to hide who they are" their point was that we all need to be accepting and not dicks to each other. But funny when I asked HR for help. I got almost contempt from them. So if you are reading this, be aware, working with HR is.... a Bureaucracy of red tape and a battle of endurance. And quite frankly there are those in HR that want you to 'rage' or 'say the wrong thing' or say something threatening...so they can have the reason to fire you. Do not do any of that. be cool...calm...and collected..and play the game. 

So there is that.... HR is not your friend, just a system you have to use to get your stuff changed. that's it.  

And.....the last year I continued to do therapy, and I tried seeing what dating might be like on one dating app and it was terrible. A terrible experience. Monetized, artificial, and wrong. Again reality versus expectations. My reality is that I may be alone the rest of my life. That is OK. I have myself, and maybe I'll get a dog or two. 

And....in the last year I have been silently judged by those around me.  you can feel it, the amusement, or the "well I wouldn't do that" or the "I don't really believe them they must be crazy" vibe. Or the "OK you are a woman but I would never do women things with you, and I won't invite you to any lady things cause... I secretly really believe you aren't" vibe.  Those vibes ...some of them are probably me.. but lets be real, people can sense vibes and if ya sense it..there is probably truth to it at some level. Actions (or lack of) speak louder than words. There is a lot of truth to that. Are my feelers hurt by those who would support me but only 'kind of'?  ya... they are.  Am I dealing with it. ya. its reality. 

So whats next? 

Walt Whitman has a poem called "Crossing Brooklyn Bridge"  a line from that poem is the title of this post. When I read the poem I got several things from it. 

  • We are only here briefly..fleeting shadows
  • We are a marvel of existence
  • Whether we like it or not we are all in this thing called "the world" together
  • Those that decide to squelch their humanity do it as their own loss of humanity
  • We all know good from bad, and right from wrong

 The last point "We all know good from bad, and right from wrong" is so true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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